Chunks of charcoal, under intense heat and pressure, can transform into diamonds and other precious crystals. This process involves a transformation of the material using heat as the “elixir of death” that puts an end to the stone’s ugliness. I was a piece of charcoal and through my spiritual discipline, I became a diamond. Through this discipline, I evolved far beyond my programming, my current state of consciousness, and the environment around me.
At the age of 13 or so, I hit a point in my life where I started to realize that my family was very dysfunctional: my father was always stuck in the TV, my mother is constantly overworking in the house, my big brother was never present with the family, my two big sisters ran away from home, and my little sister hated to be around me. I was alone, without any of my emotional or physical needs and wants ever being met. I felt like I not only had zero control of the life I was living, I also I felt like it was crushing my heart every time I was around my family. I know that I hated living this way, so I had to do something different and create new experiences I needed to have.
I started to look inwardly at that time, asking some of life’s biggest questions: “who am I?”, what is this experience I’m living in?”, why do I have these thoughts and emotions?”, what exactly is all this?”, Why am I living these things?”. Such enigmatic contemplations led me deeper into the internal world, guiding me to places I’ve never set foot before. It felt good, especially in my heart. I had to experience more. Despite all the resistance that was occurring around me, I decided to scour all over the internet so I can find anyone else who knows this feeling too. Luckily, a man who lived 2500 years ago by the name of Siddhartha Gautama, commonly known as the Buddha, knows about this too. He had a systemized way of relieving all forms of suffering and would guide the practitioner to experience the deepest states of peace and bliss. “I can’t stand it anymore. I have to discipline myself or else…” as I was daydreaming about everything in my life, the pain came back to me again. I know I had to get better. I knew I had to be better than this horrible life I was living so I did what had to be done.
I had to look up in the internet any practices that he used to transmit to his monks and I came across something called, “the 4 Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold Path “. According to the Dharmacakrapravartana Sūtra, or the book of Turning the Wheel of Dharma, The 4 Noble Truths consisting of embracing the fact that 1) Life is suffering, 2) the cause of suffering is the Ego, our sense of self, 3) there is a way out of suffering, and 4) the Noble Eightfold Path is the way leading to the end of suffering. By contemplation of the Truths and gaining understanding of it, one can then activate the “Bodhi-Chitta”, or the “enlightenment-seeking mind”. After this, there was the Noble Eightfold Path which consists of Right View, Right Intention, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration. Through the vows that are taken in this practice, I committed myself to the meditation cushion for two years and I started to gain what I thought was one of the most beautiful things any being can encounter.
On a hot August afternoon on 2018, I decided to meditate in my room I shared with my little sister. That day, I had an argument with my mother and charged into my room, being aggravated at literally everything. I cooled down. I heard my little sister taking a shower. “Finally” I thought. I grabbed my meditation cushion, threw it into my bed, sat on it, and assume the meditative position. I simply sat and all things that made up my being, my thoughts, emotions, energies, my body, everything, to be in a state of flow. As this process happened within me, I felt like these faculties within me started to disintegrate: soon afterwards, I had lost my sense of self, I wasn’t aware of my thoughts or feelings, and I lost my body. Soon after, my awareness of the external world started to shrink, as if there was a bubble around me and it was getting sucked into my heart.
My heart became rather soft and lighter because of it, as if there was nothing but this force that brought the entire universe into me. The best way to describe it is like there was a black hole in my chest. A black hole that sucked everything that has ever existed, leaving no trace of Dixon Rexach Toro. I felt like through this experience, I became the very thing that makes up the Universe. I was pure potential, just nothingness. This abyss I fell into cannot be described more than what I already have. It was just that, an abyss, free falling forever. After what felt like minutes, but in fact an hour and a half, I woke up with my body completely rejuvenated with fresh new energy, my mind completely empty, and my self transformed. I get up, I see my family outside my room, and smiled until my mouth touched my eyes. My heart is floating inside my chest as it arouses itself with unconditional love. I am at peace now. I am a diamond now.